Chasing Feeling

What I’ve really been seeking is my own sense of emotional fullness. That feeling doesn’t have to come from anyone else.

This morning, like clockwork, my thoughts wandered back to someone I briefly met. It wasn't about them, not really. Not anymore. It was about something else entirely, a feeling. That spark. That warmth. The emotional buzz of possibility. I used to believe I was thinking about a person. Now I know I’ve been chasing the feeling they represented.

It hit me, what I crave isn’t a face, a name, or even a presence. It’s a sensation I miss. One that makes me feel centered, alive, even lit up in ways I didn’t realize I needed. But here’s the truth I’ve been slowly walking myself into: that feeling doesn’t have to come from anyone else.

What I’ve really been seeking is my own sense of emotional fullness. Intimacy, validation, affection, yes, they’re beautiful when shared. But lately, I’ve noticed how much I lean on the idea of external connection to refill my internal well. And I’m calling myself out on that. Not to shame, but to shift.

Because I know I’m capable of cultivating that connection within myself.

It’s not the first time I’ve found me caught in this loop, romanticizing a few shared moments, assigning weight to something that may have just been fleeting. I think many of us do this, quietly. We search for meaning where we felt most alive. We crave another dose of that emotional clarity. But I’ve also learned that it’s a trap if we’re not careful, a distraction dressed up as desire.

And that’s where the frustration creeps in.

Not at anyone else, but with myself. For letting a brief connection take up too much real estate in my mind. For rerunning conversations in my head. For wondering if I could have done something differently. For giving more thought to someone else's attention than to my own well-being.

My time is valuable. My energy is powerful. And my mind? Brilliant when it's focused, free, and full of the things that light me up, not someone else’s silence.

I’m not swearing off connection—but I am choosing to stop chasing shadows. I’d rather invest in the version of myself that doesn’t wait for love to walk in the door to feel whole.

I’m not swearing off connection. I’m not closing myself off from love or intimacy. I just stop chasing shadows. Because chasing something you can’t name, can’t hold, can’t ground—it’s exhausting. I’d rather invest in the version of myself that doesn’t wait for love to walk in the door to feel whole.

I’ve had glimpses of the feeling I want, connection, safety, electricity, softness. And I’m thankful for those moments. They taught me what I enjoy, what I’m drawn to, what I value. But they’re not my only source. They’re not the blueprint. They’re just reminders of what I’m fully capable of creating for myself.

So here I am, reminding myself of something I already knew but needed to say out loud again:

I don’t need to chase feeling. I need to anchor it within me.