The Learning: Reflections on Awareness, Love, and Growth

The Learning

This time, I really learned.

I learned through the hardest and most broken-hearted experience. But, boy oh boy, I learned my lesson. I began to see my own blind spots. I answered my own questions and realized, yes, other human beings have feelings too. They feel sadness, madness, disappointment. They cry. They love. They break. They rebuild.

I finally understood that chances are not infinite. They feel like they are, until they are not. And it is for your own good not to push past the limit, because once you do, you cannot get them back. Or even if they return, they are never quite the same. That is when you realize you have truly lost.

At this point, it seems almost too late to fix what was broken. But the value of the life lessons I learned, through the toughest and most painful way, will stay with me forever. I carry them in my heart.

I once claimed to be a good person in all causes, someone who would never purposely hurt another soul. Who was I to say that? I was operating without full awareness. Without realizing it, I held unconscious biases in how I showed up in my connections. I chose whom to treat best and whom I assumed no longer needed much attention because they were already close to me. In seeing this clearly, I learned to have the courage to apologize genuinely. Deep down, I knew I was wrong, and I apologized without holding onto excuses.

I finally understood that chances are not infinite. They feel like they are, until they are not.

The Person

This soul taught and showed me love. Through action, this person demonstrated what a giving and genuinely loving relationship actually looks like. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Genuinely, I am not even sure I had felt this kind of adoration before, aside from the affection of some family members.

And when I finally did, I didn’t know how to return it.

I responded from fear. I made repeated missteps. Still, I was forgiven. I was loved. I was reassured. I was constantly reminded that they would be there for me.

Grace was given again and again. I am grateful.

I spoke honestly with myself. If only I had paid closer attention, if only I had valued and appreciated those acts and words enough, I would not be writing this today.

I learned, though almost too late. Candidly, I might never have understood until I nearly lost it. And it hurts deeply. What hurts just as much is knowing the other person is not in a better place either. It is devastating to destroy something so lovely because of my fear of disconnection and emotional insecurity.

It is not shameful, but it is not something I am proud of either, to still be learning about affection at the age of forty.

Loving others is not that hard if only we are less hyper-focused on our own feelings and more attentive to others' feelings and well-being.

I have contributed to many charitable causes, and that made me believe I was a good person. But I acknowledged that being good also requires caring for, loving, and tending to those who love, care for, and tend to you in return. Those thoughts and actions truly matter.

The Faith

I have faith that it is not too late for me to change, to become a better, more authentic version of myself. I cannot fix the past. But I am optimistic that I can reshape the present version of me, the one who will become more loving, enlightened, considerate, and selfless in the future.

This change is necessary not only so the partner and people around me can be happier, but so I can become the happy version of myself. The version that is content within her own being. The version that feels secure and comfortable with herself. The version that knows how to love and appreciate well, so I no longer hurt myself or the person I adore.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I paid a high price for it. And I will keep it in my heart.