After All These Years, I'm Still Figuring Life

I have come to a realization: I know nothing about life. After all these years, time has flown by so quickly, and I feel like I’ve lost my youth. I can’t get that time back. And now, I find myself wondering—what have I truly done with my life? Have I tried enough? Have I missed my opportunities? After all these years, I am still searching for meaning, still questioning if life has a meaning at all.

I often ask myself why life has to be so difficult. I replay my decisions, wondering if things would have turned out differently if I had chosen another path. I question the circumstances of my past. What if my mother never left? What if my grandmother had lived longer? Would our family have been different? Would I be different? I wonder if the strength I have today was born out of my difficult childhood, or if I would have been just as strong without it.

These questions weigh on me. They circle in my mind, unresolved, leaving me mentally exhausted.

Right now, as I write this, I feel down. I feel devastated about life. I don’t have much hope. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t dare to believe things will get better. I am afraid of what’s ahead. And yet, I ask myself: Why am I so scared? What exactly am I afraid of?

I think I fear failure.

I look at my partner, and while he may not be living his healthiest life, he is building wealth, making an impact, securing his future. At 40, he owns a house. He has a truck, a bicycle, a plot of land. He makes close to $200,000 a year and has substantial savings and retirement funds.

Then I look at myself—39, with no property, no actual shelter of my own, living on my salary, just now learning how to save. It’s embarrassing. And not to mention, I may never have a child of my own.

This fear of failure terrifies me. I want to find a way out. I want to be better, yet I keep thinking I might be too late. Too late to advance my career. Too late to change my professional path. Too late to be seen as valuable in a competitive job market that favors the young. I have no talent in business, and maybe I never will. At 38, 39, my career has reset back to almost square one. I thought that by now, I would be in a senior-level position, having a real impact, making decisions that matter. Instead, I feel stagnant, and that makes me question my worth.

I never imagined that at this stage in life, I would still be questioning everything. Instead of standing tall, I feel like I’m starting over. Maybe I haven’t prayed enough for what I want. Maybe I just need someone—anyone—to tell me how to be better, how to get where I want to be. I wish there was someone who could guide me.

But writing this has given me a bit of clarity. Even if I don’t know the answers yet, I can see now why I feel this way. I am scared.

And after all these years, I am still figuring life out.